Monday, April 22, 2013

Uneasy

I just got back from San Francisco again. It was a nice day - I'll be blogging about it later. But time is so , so limited... The things I really want to record in blog posts are piling up fast, and I just don't even have time for this shit. lol I may actually resort to podcasting a lot of them just to get them done, because I record a lot of what I do for personal sanity. Kind of like a: Yes, I did this, it was significant, and now it will always be remembered even though its impact will fade in my mind under the pressure of everything else I'm going through.

It's my boyfriend's birthday today...I hardly have time to do anything for him. I couldn't do art for him this year, I hardly have time to Skype with him (long distance relationship), I hardly have money to buy him anything... I sent him a letter. Not sure it'll get there in time. It's just frustrating.

Upon getting home tonight, I learned of at least 4 other major tasks I need to accomplish in addition to all my school work and ROTC training. As I was adding them to the calendar, I just got increasingly overwhelmed. Seeing everything...knowing I'm not going to have enough time to get everything done the way I want it...

I just had to turn in an art history research paper that was...literally the worst paper I've ever turned in in my life. It was bad...BAD...SO bad. It terrifies me. And it angers me that I actually did that. Now I'm scared of what it'll do to my grade and if I'm in jeopardy of failing the class. I don't know. Did I have the power to do better? Maybe. But I also have the power to work so hard I get extremely sick and can't do anything at all which is what it would've taken to accomplish that. That's happened before. Trying not to let it happen again because it's counter-fucking-productive, and ain't nobody got time for that. = |

God help me.

Just one day at a time. That's what my instructors and my Dad keep telling me. Mom can't really give advise 'cause she's in the same boat I am right now with working on some kinda long-term teaching credentials. We're both having mental breakdowns and crying over shit we wouldn't normally cry over and losing sleep...sometimes for no reason other than just being stressed. ^^; I'm hardly eating. I literally have so much trouble finding the time of day to make a goddamn meal. It's ridiculous. And when I do eat, it's not really a balanced meal, and I guess I'm borderline malnourished at this point. It's just demoralizing if nothing else.

Ugh.

And I do see my health declining on very significant, PERMANENT levels. Like dentally...the stress is causing me to grind my teeth when I sleep. Badly. My dentist is hella worried 'cause I can't afford a night guard right now. Recently resorted to using my clear retainer tray. Some kinda tendon in my right hand is strained somehow, probably from typing and drawing so much. LOL. :| Aaaand...I'd go into the other shit, but it doesn't need to be public.

So. I'm gonna get some other stuff done before passing out.
Later.


~Uni

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