Saturday, March 9, 2013

In My Head...

This is going to be more of a reflection entry than a documentation of work.

I have a journal I keep offline, but since this directly pertains to my academic/military life, I'll go ahead and put my thoughts here.

I have a headache. lol Probably shouldn't be drinking, but I'm stubborn and like my dark cherry hard lemonade too much (if you can even call that drinking).

I finally started to color code my planner because it was getting to be so packed full of things to do, I could hardly keep track of separate class loads. There are 7 different pen colors. 1 for each of my 6 classes, and then I keep ROTC and other tasks in black. It seems to be helping.

Lately, I've been finding myself caught up in a surreal daze, thinking about the end of all this. It's like...there's a light at the end, but it's blurred. And one, single screw up will make it disappear completely. It's mind-numbing.

Hang on, gonna take something for this headache...

...So...I take children's liquid pain reliever 'cause I hate swallowing pills (yay for being lightweight), and this shit isn't telling me if I can take it with alcohol or not. LOL OH WELL.

*ahem*

Should be fine, but I'm switching to water anyway.

I'm behind in at least 3 classes now. Simply because the time I need to devote to each simply isn't there. I may have mentioned before that I literally have to plan out every single hour of every single day in order to get stuff done. Even this time right now was planned out. I've given myself a bit to calm down so I don't wind up in the hospital due to built up stress and exhaustion. I don't have healthcare insurance right now. It's scary.
Basically, it all comes down to prioritizing. If something doesn't HAVE to be done, if my grade doesn't immediately depend on it, I won't do it. For instance, I had a test in one of my history classes to study for. I didn't have time for it until literally hours before I took it. So, I studied for that test with everything I had in those hours instead of getting an assignment done for the video class I had right after. I'm making those kinds of sacrifices all over.

Unfortunately, Ms. R doesn't always treat her students like the adults we are. In her classes, when you don't have an assignment completed, she interrogates you on the spot and makes you feel like an idiot in front of the whole class. I don't know if that's customary in Britain...but it's uncalled for here. Most professors just take what you give them and grade you accordingly. We're old enough to be responsible for ourselves. But she feels the need to go the extra mile and put us down for it. She's very hard to please.
I've been subject to those attacks before, and that's why I've been so surprised with how she's treated me this semester so far. She's willing to be lenient to the point that when I don't have something...she just walks away. I still brace myself, though. I train my eyes on the computer screen and just wait to be verbally thrashed. When nothing happens, I nearly collapse in relief. ^^; Not only that, but the work I do turn in, she's been thrilled with. In all 3 classes I have her with (3D animation, intermediate electronic art, and senior seminar).
I'm grateful for that, I guess. I think most of the hurt is coming from inside me - I feel like I fail so hard when I can't complete something.

Another example of work overload and completion failure... is last week when I had to leave the state for a wedding. I literally...got out of 3D animation at 8pm PST (I left it early to catch the flight), got on a plane, flew across the country, had to stay awake for a 2-hour layover at around 5am eastern time, I then flew another hour, had a 45-minute drive to my parents' place, took a shower, and then immediately started working on my senior project while waiting for a 3-hour road trip to where the wedding would be the next day. That night, I worked on the senior project until 2am, then got up at 8am to get ready for the wedding. Got back from the wedding around 11pm and continued to work until I passed out. After another 3-hour road trip the next morning, I worked all throughout the rest of the day. All on the senior project because there were details that HAD to be worked out then since it involves my entire cadet wing. It. Is. Extensive.
But that wasn't enough time either. I worked on that goddamn project during my next flight back and layover which, combined, was about 9 hours.

The good news is...I got that part of the project done, and can now move forward in that class. The bad part: I got nothing else done in all my other classes. So, this is why I pull all-nighters, and work on shit at the last minute... There is just no time for anything different.

And my FRACKING U-key is broken, this is pissing me off with it flipping off the keyboard every time I press it! The new one isn't getting here fast enough. =_=

SIGH.

In addition to school, I've been having an interesting experience as a cadet...I seem to either be doing something really, really good, or really bad. I have a superior who makes me feel like a complete screw up, and I talked to Dad about it. He tried to help me realize that I shouldn't be basing my self-worth on the opinion of one person. And to drive his point home, he made me notice all the other people commending me for the work I do, and gave examples from when his own time in the service. It was very similar to what I'm experiencing. There are just some people in this world we don't click with no matter what. It's just...I can't help but think about how much that one person dislikes me.

There's a poem by Rudyard Kipling that my Dad has hung in his office in every house we've lived in since I was born. My mother studied calligraphy in college and wrote it out for him when they were married. Last night he told me to look it up and read it. I'm not sure why I never had before...maybe 'cause it was literally a wall o' text, and didn't seem interesting. But it applies to me today.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! 
Took a bit to understand all the deeper meanings, but it's good. Dad also has been reminding me to meditate and breathe properly lately. Even as he was driving me back to the airport on my way home, he could tell I wasn't breathing right. All I could think about was everything I had to get done. And I was scared. I've been so terrified of failing for months straight, and it's so horrible for my health.

I'm not failing anything as of yet, but I found myself in my commander's office the other day asking if there was anything I could do to free up the time I spend in training. I've already completed the 4 years required...I'm pretty put off by the fact that I still have to attend regular training sessions just because I'm still in school. So is Dad. He doesn't think it's necessary. The only thing I could give up is my position as Self Appreciation Program Officer, and I'm not exactly willing to do that. I've been so successful so far each week in lifting morale in the wing, and people look forward to what I have planned. I would feel like I'm letting them down if I even thought about quitting. Goddamn it!
I can't do that! I have to find a way to make this work. I'm just so angry with myself right now. I want to be able to do everything I set my mind to. And I only went to go see the colonel because Dad told me to...I felt like a complete idiot afterward. It just made me more upset. Next time, I'm sticking with my gut feeling, and doing what I think I should.

I've been wanting to work on another Uni masterpiece lately...it just makes me feel better, and I miss it.

On top of all this, of course relationship drama has to spark. Not stuff I wanna talk about, but seriously? Karma, you're such a bitch.

Well...I'm gonna get back to work. There's more to blog about, but I'll cover it later. Luckily, the weather's slowly improving...which works wonders on my motivation and overall mood.

Here's to success~




~Uni

1 comment:

Nancy Brett said...

Agree.... take deep cleansing breaths and here is to your success! I am your biggest fan....